@jackiembouvier

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

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@Browtweaten

“You’ve put on weight”:

– Rude
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating

“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:

– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service

@Ristolable

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

@kashanacauley

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

@DrDogMD

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

@Chhapiness

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

@squirrel74wkgn

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

@hyperblastchic

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

@Phook75

As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well…except mom was ticketed for littering