Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

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“You’ve put on weight”:

– Rude
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating

“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:

– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service


Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull


People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.


NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one


Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown


Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*


Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*


As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well…except mom was ticketed for littering