R.I.P boiling water, you will be mist.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
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This did not end as expected.
“You’ve put on weight”:
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating
“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:
– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well…except mom was ticketed for littering