Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

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You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.


How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*


I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.


Subway calling their employees sandwich artists must really piss off people who actually paint sandwiches for a living.


you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve


Great… I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn’t work

Now I have a spider that won’t stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon


ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!



I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..


If I ever have a son, I’m going to name him Sparta, that way I can introduce him as “This is SPARTA!!!”


It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.