Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
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Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.