FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
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the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
stop
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
A friend sent me this.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Mistakes were made
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy