friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that

You Might Also Like


What I said:

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.


Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.


[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”


I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.


I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.


I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.


Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing


Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that


Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what


🎶 And I would walk 500 ft. and I would walk 500 more/ Just to be the man who stayed 1000 ft away as ordered by the court 🎶