@yupkirsten

friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that

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@sarcasticmommy4

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

@mejustbeth

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

@moxieblogger

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

@ddsmidt

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

@briancthayer

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

@Marlebean

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

@justokpanda

Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that

@psybermonkey

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

@ibid78

🎶 And I would walk 500 ft. and I would walk 500 more/ Just to be the man who stayed 1000 ft away as ordered by the court 🎶