Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
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The struggle is real
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
S M O L
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
The cashier just checked me out.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
There’s only one good girl here!
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.