Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
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Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.