As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
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Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
“I don’t understand the value in seeing a therapist.”
– People who haven’t spent time with me yet.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Make her feel like she’s the only woman in your freezer.
Do you wanna hold hands?
– me, about to be bitten by a raccoon.