Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
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The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine