@TheRealPalMal

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

@slimmy_shady

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

@Bez

I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack.

@2tickytacky

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

@Parentpains

“I don’t understand the value in seeing a therapist.”

– People who haven’t spent time with me yet.

@Love_bug1016

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

@EricaWhoToYou

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

@Sleinso

Do you wanna hold hands?

– me, about to be bitten by a raccoon.