Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
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[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”