Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
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leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.