british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
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coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I didn’t come here to be called names
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble