Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
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[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
and now we wait
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.