friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
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[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.