This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
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Monsters won’t stop chasing me.
I don’t wanna play today dammit!
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
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“Homie don’t fleek doe,” I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she’s legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.