friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

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This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen


Monsters won’t stop chasing me.
I don’t wanna play today dammit!


me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”


“Homie don’t fleek doe,” I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.


Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*


Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful


I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.


Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she’s legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.