@EvilHeart20

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

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@freedom2726

No. YOU misunderstood. I said I’ve been doing this for awhile. I never said I was any good at it.

@hazelmotes1

Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I’m only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.

@iwearaonesie

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

@TwinSurvivalist

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

@samsara668

They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I’ll never piss on an electric fence again

@Ms612

My neighbors are drunk & climbing up the balcony. Or possibly being robbed. Whatever.

@Brianhopecomedy

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

@abraveturtle

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?