FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
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Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I have two kinds of followers
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
He’s cranky this morning