When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
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My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Im sorry I yelled “GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE” when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn’t be married
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*bottle with note washes up on beach
“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?