Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
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I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help