@3sunzzz

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

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@DothTheDoth

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

@SteveAmiri

So far my favorite villain in the Superman/Batman movie is the casting director.

@mstluvstrinkets

Anything I accomplish before I finish my first cup of coffee has been fueled by rage.

@dannyboy7813

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

@internetluke

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

@3sunzzz

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

@lilgapeach30

Make fun of my footy pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire in the night.

@dumbbeezie

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

@merican_ninjy

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.