Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

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Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.


So far my favorite villain in the Superman/Batman movie is the casting director.


Anything I accomplish before I finish my first cup of coffee has been fueled by rage.


Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180


[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”


I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.


Make fun of my footy pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire in the night.


Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist


“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.