I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
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When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Dear Grocery store clerk,
What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)