Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
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“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
adding to the discourse
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me