Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
You Might Also Like
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Follow me for more life hacks.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut