Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
You Might Also Like
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
that lip filler tho
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no