@VisionBored1

Friend: I’m glad I have more time to spend with those I love

Me: same I spent the morning with Dyson so I could spend the rest of the day with Jack

Friend: those aren’t your kids’ names

Me, drunk in my clean house: I don’t understand your point

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@roxiqt

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

@tweetsbyrocket

boss: you’re late again

me: i saw a dog

boss: that’s what you said yesterday

me: he lives in my house

@chuuew

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

@MooseAllain

My friend’s organising a football match and asked if I’d like to make up the numbers. I suggested squix hundring and nankety noof.

@Parentpains

Good thing some people show their bare chest in their profile pic, otherwise we wouldn’t have known they had a torso.

@Tmoney68

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

@bobvulfov

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

@girl_a_whirl

My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.

@ddsmidt

Estimated assembly time said 20 minutes, it took much longer than that.

Clearly the instruction writer is overly confident in his skills.

@NewDadNotes

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10