Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
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I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them