If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Friend: I’m glad I have more time to spend with those I love
Me: same I spent the morning with Dyson so I could spend the rest of the day with Jack
Friend: those aren’t your kids’ names
Me, drunk in my clean house: I don’t understand your point
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boss: you’re late again
me: i saw a dog
boss: that’s what you said yesterday
me: he lives in my house
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
My friend’s organising a football match and asked if I’d like to make up the numbers. I suggested squix hundring and nankety noof.
Good thing some people show their bare chest in their profile pic, otherwise we wouldn’t have known they had a torso.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.
Estimated assembly time said 20 minutes, it took much longer than that.
Clearly the instruction writer is overly confident in his skills.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10