Party Questions by age
1-12: Will there be a Bouncy House?
17-20: Will there be alcohol?
22-27: Theres no kids right?
30+ Who’s bday is it?
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
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Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
ME: ?? ?????? ??? ???
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”