Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
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I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*