Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

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Party Questions by age

1-12: Will there be a Bouncy House?
17-20: Will there be alcohol?
22-27: Theres no kids right?
30+ Who’s bday is it?


Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”


BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite


ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?


ME: ?? ?????? ??? ???


*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”


Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?


I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?


Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song


You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.


I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”