Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
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MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
stop
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
My diet starts in January
of 2027