Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
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If you are reading this you are probably not blind.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Me: That’s from lord of
Someday, when I’m really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom.
“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”
“Brick, that’s your shadow.”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That’s when you have sex on a plane, and it’s with a sandwich
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
Who called the cops
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!