Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
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FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
When does CPR become necrophilia?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
This rocks
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.