@Ideal_Victoria

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

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@3sunzzz

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

@_CherriAnn_

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

@Darlainky

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

@captainolya

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

@KeetPotato

[interview with girl at dating agency]
i get shy around pretty girls
[girl smiles brushing hair from her face]
“are you shy now”
not really

@living_marble

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

@sickipediabot

My wife suffers from chronic, debilitating headaches.

Anyway, enough about her…

…back to drum practice.

@ericaj1721

3 hours until I get to pretend I know how to do 6th grade math homework…..

@MikeLonghelt

It’s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it’s too late.