Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
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HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same