Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
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jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
stop
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.