Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
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When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.