@TheHyyyype

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

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@Dustinkcouch

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

@thatdutchperson

[at the gym]

Me: what does this machine do?

“Sir, that’s a bench.”

Me: perfect.

@datguyryry

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

@TheAndrewNadeau

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

@jonnysun

JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]

ME: woa!! thanks jesus

JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW

@Darlainky

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}