[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
You Might Also Like
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”