[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

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If you use yahoo search engine, A really lonely nerd in his yahoo office frantically googles your request and then posts the results


Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”


Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class


sick of people asking if my daughter’s name is short for lucille. no, it’s not. if jenny is short for jennifer, lucy is short for lucifer.


If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.


If your ex is dropping subtle hints drop bigger hints.
Like a toaster in a bathtub.


[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”


[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?


*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.