@TheHyyyype

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

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@rutesperanza

If you use yahoo search engine, A really lonely nerd in his yahoo office frantically googles your request and then posts the results

@SortaBad

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

@tigersgoroooar

sick of people asking if my daughter’s name is short for lucille. no, it’s not. if jenny is short for jennifer, lucy is short for lucifer.

@UncleKermit

If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.

@WhoCuppedMyCake

If your ex is dropping subtle hints drop bigger hints.
Like a toaster in a bathtub.

@SteveSuckington

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

@EndhooS

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

@CantWaitToNap

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.