I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
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Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Good morning y’all ☀️
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you