Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
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I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”