@captainkalvis

friend: is this tv high definition

me: let’s check. TV, what’s alfredo sauce?

TV: *rips bong* pasta frosting

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@CelebrityChez

I’ve found that it’s almost impossible to explain to a stranger why you are following them around trying to put egg rolls in their pockets.

@DanMentos

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

@ThisLocalHater

Let me slip into something more comfortable.

*climbs into a wood chipper*

@jwoodham

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

@TheTweetOfGod

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

@thenatewolf

ME: the internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming.

GRANDSON: hush grandpa take your pills

@KateWhineHall

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

@veggiefemme

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.