The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
You Might Also Like
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
That’s classic.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes