Friend: It looks like you’re packing to go on an extended vacation. Where to, the Caribbean or Hawaii?
Me: No, this is just my lunch.

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Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.


The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.


I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.


Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.


Kristen Stewart is proof that if you’re making a face and someone slaps you on the back it will get stuck like that forever.


I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.


Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?


Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.