I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
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ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.