@MableGertrude

Friend: It looks like you’re packing to go on an extended vacation. Where to, the Caribbean or Hawaii?
Me: No, this is just my lunch.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

@smedlee

The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.

@poutinesmoothie

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

@FuckabillyRex

Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.

@prontopup

Kristen Stewart is proof that if you’re making a face and someone slaps you on the back it will get stuck like that forever.

@MrsMikePatton

I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.

@KentWGraham

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

@girl_a_whirl

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.