Brain: We’ve got lots to do today.
Body: You’re on your own buddy.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
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me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Mom: *tastefully decorates house*
Kid: HERE ARE 20 MILK CARTONS I TAPED TOGETHER TO MAKE A SNOWMAN I EXPECT THIS TO BE PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.
I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.