@vangobot

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

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@Reverend_Scott

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

@PinkCamoTO

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

@Blonde4Dayz

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

@hazelmotes1

Mom: *tastefully decorates house*
Kid: HERE ARE 20 MILK CARTONS I TAPED TOGETHER TO MAKE A SNOWMAN I EXPECT THIS TO BE PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED

@Mardigroan

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

@XplodingUnicorn

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

@meh_thinks

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

@anon_mommy

Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.

I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass

@CatstreyDave

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.