@TheHyyyype

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

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@ingmarbirdman

i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards

@Ideal_Victoria

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

@liv_thatsme

HOW TO RUIN A GRADUATION DINNER:

Hi, I’m your server.

“Our son got a degree!”

Wow! I have a Master’s. Wanna start w/ some chips & salsa?

@Tierno158

When I refer to kids as “Snot-dripping, germ-spreading spawns of Satan” I hope you realize I’m not referring specifically to YOUR children.

@Aikiwomannc

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

@skittle624

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

@shawnspree

Me: (Insert inspirational quote here)

Wife: Wow. That’s deep, who said that?

Me: I did. Didn’t you hear me speak just now?

@VeganZebra

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

@MelodiMoon

The Frito Lay truck I’m tailing says ‘Driver doesn’t carry cash.’ Hahahaha. I’m not interested in cash.