i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
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Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
HOW TO RUIN A GRADUATION DINNER:
Hi, I’m your server.
“Our son got a degree!”
Wow! I have a Master’s. Wanna start w/ some chips & salsa?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
When I refer to kids as “Snot-dripping, germ-spreading spawns of Satan” I hope you realize I’m not referring specifically to YOUR children.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Me: (Insert inspirational quote here)
Wife: Wow. That’s deep, who said that?
Me: I did. Didn’t you hear me speak just now?
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
*the tattoo disappears*
The Frito Lay truck I’m tailing says ‘Driver doesn’t carry cash.’ Hahahaha. I’m not interested in cash.