FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles


WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

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So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.


“What’s a good gift for someone who has everything?”

Meth. Next year they’ll have nothing it’ll be easier.


When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”



My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.


Coworker: I couldn’t sleep. Just thinking all night

Me: Maybe try doing some of that here in the office during the day


If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore


[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”


Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.


OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.


I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”