FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
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Buying a well is money well spent.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance