I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
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Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.