Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
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Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Nana’s house is getting real bad, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Obviously you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the meaning of ignorance!
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
how I’ve been all holiday
MAMA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA ROACH: Someones been cutting MY life to pieces