FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
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Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.