Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
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Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
meanwhile over on facebook
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
m’lady
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what