FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
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Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those