@FrazzleMyGimp

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

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@stillwondering1

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

@aotakeo

DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying

@0point5twins

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

@gingerfaced

I’ve been hitting “remind me later” for about the last 4 years on Adobe.

@DaddyJew

That awkward moment when you blow into a bowl to get the dust off of it and the bowl blows back

@chelliet22

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

@AngryRaccoon2

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

@joeljeffrey

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

@Fred_Delicious

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?