Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
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Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
“I took care of your clown problem.”
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.