Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
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Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
wow
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.