BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya
ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.
BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
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Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Hubs: ” Few glasses of wine tonight hun”?
Me: ” Yeah, I had a glass of red”
Hubs : ” Just one eh”
Me: ” Well I use the same glass”
I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you … even you.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
just cold shoulders.
The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.