FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

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BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya

ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.

BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya

ME: Again…


Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior


[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry


My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”


Hubs: ” Few glasses of wine tonight hun”?
Me: ” Yeah, I had a glass of red”
Hubs : ” Just one eh”
Me: ” Well I use the same glass”


I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you … even you.


Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.


My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.