I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
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Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
This was the best day of my life
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[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess