If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Friend: just make small talk
*later, on date*
Me: so…grains of sand
Her: uh yea-
Her: are u okay-
Me: bottle caps
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Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Bird puns? Owl allow them.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Me talking to someone five years older than me: ah yes we’re practically the same age
Me speaking to someone six months younger than me: hello small child, it’s a big ol’ world out there
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.
If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get it for you.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf