@Barknado69

Friend: just make small talk

*later, on date*

Me: so…grains of sand

Her: uh yea-

Me: dwarves

Her: are u okay-

Me: bottle caps

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@HoldinCoffeeld

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

@badbanana

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

@BombChelleMama

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

@natedog2049

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

@blood_orphan

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

@Jasmin__Kaur

Me talking to someone five years older than me: ah yes we’re practically the same age

Me speaking to someone six months younger than me: hello small child, it’s a big ol’ world out there

@QTAnon1

I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.

If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get it for you.