Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
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Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Hank is one in a melon.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.