I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
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Instead of blocking your ex, become such a disaster online that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you
People who write hai and bai, wai?
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!