[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
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Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”