Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
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you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
who wore it better?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.