Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
You Might Also Like
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
am i feeling hopeful about the future?