FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
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A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
when nothing goes right… go left
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Today is the one day I don鈥檛 get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you鈥檙e in the kitchen?
Husband: I鈥檓 in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can鈥檛. I鈥檓 in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Has anyone actually asked kids why they鈥檙e so annoying? Maybe they don鈥檛 know?
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that鈥檚 a mandolin
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room馃槒
it鈥檚 called boxing because smash mouth was taken
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I don鈥檛 have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I鈥檇 gotten that window seat.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I鈥檝e never given your dog a massage.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time