friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
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Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
this will hang in the louvre one day
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.