Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
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Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Him: “Nothing. I’m good.”
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
“Seriously, knock it off.”
I GOT A NEW BULLHORN!
“I can see that..
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Nobody is normal on twitter Nigeria 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Yelling “PARKOUR” whenever your toddler falls over is an easy way to make him look like a cool free runner rather than a clumsy little idiot